Movie magic for the holidays

Dec 07, 2011

With a plot that revolves around an eight-year-old boy outsmarting two jail-hardened criminals with a hilarious mix of slapstick comedy and clever wit, Home Alone is by far the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

When cheeky Kevin McCallister is accidentally left at home over the Christmas holidays, the obvious solution is not to desperately contact his family or to find someone to babysit, but to have some fun. In the role of Kevin, the wee Macaulay Culkin gets up to all the antics you dreamed of as a kid: watching movies with swear words, eating a whole cheese pizza to yourself and having the run of your older sibling’s stash of cool toys.

But the drama begins when two foolish felons enter the neighbourhood with the intent of robbing the rich houses while the homeowners are away on vacation. Unfortunately for them, they underestimate the power of the child: Marv (Daniel Stern) comments to his ridiculous partner in crime, played by Joe Pesci, “He’s only a kid, Harry. We can take him.”

The ensuing laughs come as Kevin, mature beyond his eight years, wires his house with booby traps and clever ruses designed to not only catch the criminals, but humiliate them beyond belief. Home Alone’s silliness is good family fun that will make you laugh at any time of year, but is best at Christmas time to get you into the holiday spirit.

Heartwarming Christmas movies are great, but all I really want in seasonal cinema is a few good laughs and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Don’t let the five out of 10 star rating on IMDB fool you: Jingle All the Way is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.Schwarzenegger

stars as Howard Langston, a workaholic dad who finds himself trying to find his son’s dream gift: a Turbo-Man action figure — on Christmas Eve, of course. In this race against both time and Sinbad (playing a postal worker also hunting for the toy), Howard finds himself learning important lessons about fatherhood and the commercialization of Christmas. The competition’s stakes are raised thanks to next-door neighbour Ted, a divorced man who’s quite plainly interested in Howard’s wife. Ted is enough of a superdad that Howard actually feels threatened by him, furthering his motivation to get his hands on that Turbo-Man.

Above all, Jingle All the Way is wonderfully quotable. I first watched this movie years ago with my family, and to this day, the Christmas season isn’t quite complete without multiple Schwarzenegger impressions. A quick YouTube search for him shouting, “Put the cookie down!” into a pay phone reaffirms that everyone’s favorite Austrian has the power to make Christmas endlessly and unintentionally hilarious.

Fuck Santa Claus, Rudolph and nativity scenes — as heartwarming as they may be, Christmas is really all about getting through the holidays without killing someone. This is exactly why It’s a Wonderful Life is the best Christmas movie of all time.

Life is stressful, and given the commercial and familial pressure, Christmas is the pinnacle of that stress. But It’s a Wonderful Life offers hope with the promising message that no matter how hard life gets, no matter how much weight is on your shoulders and no matter how tempting it is to jump off a bridge so your family can cash in your life insurance policy, anything can be overcome with the love of self, family and community — even the evil Mr. Potter.

The finale of the film, like Christmas itself, is characterized by transcendence of overwhelming stress to an explosion of holiday joy: a true, joy-filled representation of the beautiful dichotomy of life.

The transformation of my street into the yuletide fantasyland of a psychedelically-influenced electrician and the new red and green rollout at Starbucks never seems to get me into the proverbial Christmas spirit. My festive season truly begins when I watch the 2003 comedy Elf for the first every holiday season.

Buddy the elf’s search for his true identity as a human epitomizes the holiday cheer I’ve been trying to restore since I discovered that Santa isn’t real. Something about the merry soundtrack, wintery New York setting and classic Will Ferrell humour always brings me out of the Alberta December slump. And watching my favourite guilty pleasure DILF prance around in yellow tights and an ass-grazing green tunic for 97 minutes is more than enough to get my holly jollies on, if you catch my drift.

So as more eggnog-inspired beverages grace the campus and my neighbours risk limb fracture to add to their Christmas light displays, I will remain in the dreariness of “November mode.” That is, of course, until I find enough time to watch my favourite curly-haired elf pour maple syrup on spaghetti, fight a little person in a business suit and creep on Zooey Deschanel in the shower.

Some would scoff at the idea of an action film that has nothing to do with Santa Claus, gift giving or Christmas’ Biblical origins being the holiday season’s greatest film. While it’s set during the Christmas season, without any mention of the North Pole, snowmen or Jesus, why would it be considered a Christmas film at all, let alone the best one?

But while it doesn’t overtly showcase the holiday, Die Hard is easily the best Christmas movie of all time. Besides being one of the most likeable action movies you’ll ever see, it’s also a legitimate Christmas classic. It’s a violent, action-packed film — something you don’t expect from other seasonal movies — but if you look deep enough, it also has the same themes as typical holiday specials.

The movie revolves around John McClane, whose only goal is to get home for Christmas and be with his family. He just has to make his way through a building full of terrorists. On the way, he delivers justice to the criminals as efficiently as Santa Claus delivers gifts to all the good girls and boys.

The terrorists, with their plans to steal $640 million, could actually be seen as older versions of the naughty, greedy children that don’t understand the true meaning of Christmas. Just before they’re defeated by McClane, the terrorists likely learn the same lessons those naughty children did: Christmas is really about spending time with the ones you love and promoting peace on Earth. Taking hostages and shooting people for millions of dollars isn’t exactly the best way to go about that. I’m sure we can assume that while he was falling almost 40 stories out of the Nakatomi Plaza, Die Hard’s evil mastermind Hans Gruber realized the error of his ways and found the true meaning of Christmas.

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